Thursday 11th

Our department has just appointed a full time account manager to sell our services throughout the Group. That's not so bad in itself, but he's been busy negotiating Service Level Agreements with all our customers. Agreements? Who agreed to them, that's what I want to know. Certainly not me. Fortunately these agreements have been stored in the document management system that we introduced last week, so I'll be able to amend them. In fact, I'll do it now while I'm thinking about it.

I load up the system and check out a copy of the standard SLA. What's all this? Response times... percentage uptime... availability of support... out of hours cover... BEING COURTEOUS TO CUSTOMERS?! Are they CRAZY??

No, no, no. All this will have to go. I'd better start with a completely blank sheet. I begin my draft:
________________________________________________________________
CONTRACT between
Joe User as the party of the first part hereinafter called The User
and
Blue Chip Industries IT Department as the party of the second part hereinafter called The Provider

Whereas The User is desirous of making use of the facilities equipment services and skills of The Provider and whereas The Provider is willing and able to supply same

It is hereby agreed that The Provider shall supply The User with the aforementioned facilities equipment services and skills as set out in the attached schedule A hereunder

In consideration of which The User shall pay to The Provider the sums set out in the attached schedule B hereunder together with any tips perks expenses gratuities handouts honoraria and kickbacks as may from time to time be requested by The Provider

Subject always to the following terms and conditions

That The User shall not make unreasonable demands on the time ability or patience of the staff of The Provider and that the latter shall at all times be the arbiters of what is considered unreasonable

That where staff from The Provider are required to work on the premises of The User they shall be provided with unlimited quantities of coffee such coffee to be of merchantable quality and supplied free of charge

That The User shall indemnify and hold harmless The Provider from all loss whether direct indirect or consequential including but not limited to loss of face by either party or by third parties even where such loss of face is the result of gross incompetence and that even where it can be proved that loss of life or limb has resulted from negligence or malicious intent any damages shall be limited to the price of a pint of beer

This agreement shall be subject at all times to the laws of Bermuda and any disputes will be settled in the courts of that territory by representatives of both parties attending in person in whatever numbers they think fit
_______________________________________________________________

Much better. I can see I have a budding career as an SLA negotiator ahead of me.