Thursday 4th

I spent yesterday evening writing a keystroke logging program. It runs invisibly under Windows and writes to an encrypted file in a hidden subdirectory on the hard disk. I come into work early and install it on the Operations Manager's PC. You never know when it might come in handy to know his password.

I return to my office and check my e-mail. There is a message about the company's new document management system. Of course! It goes live today. All the important files will be in there: word processor documents, engineering drawings, scanned images, invoices, forms for electronic routing and authorisation, all the lot. And it's all under our control!

I contemplate for a moment the grand vision of the company as a giant organism, with its many different departments as vital organs functioning away for the good of the whole, and with its computers and networks forming its central nervous system. This is what makes being a computer professional so satisfying and worthwhile. The feeling of being an organic part of a gigantic, living entity? No. The sense of being an indispensable element in the great scheme of things? Not really. The knowledge that you're contributing to the smooth and efficient running of a huge superstructure? Forget it. It's the POWER! We control all the customer data, all the communications, the billing systems, the CAD applications, the payroll, the accounts, the executive information systems, EVERYTHING. Next we're going to take over the WORLD, the GALAXY, the whole UNIVERSE! Yes, yes! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

Sorry about that, a nasty turn came over me. Where was I? Ah, yes, the document management system. Now the wonderful thing about these is that no matter how secure the vendors make them, resourceful people like me can always get in and change things. You know, requirements specifications, delivery dates in project plans, terms and conditions of employment, that sort of thing. Of course, you have to be careful. You need to edit the timestamps so as not to arouse suspicion, and if the system employs a full audit trail you'll need to push the changes right back to the original version and then back the system up over the archived copies.

Best of all, if the system is going to be used for electronic workflow, you can get all your projects authorised in no time at all. Ever find that you want to get some expenditure or some contract approved, and the paperwork just disappears into the system for weeks on end? Just persuade your management to invest in an electronic authorisation system! You'll be able to get in and approve anything you want, exactly when you want it. And as an added bonus, you'll be able to find out what all the other departments are up to. What are you waiting for?

My reverie is interrupted by an internal mail envelope being delivered to my desk. I recognise the handwriting: it's the IT Director. Inside is a memo from Himmler (the Personnel Director) to the IT Director asking for a Lotus 1-2-3 manual. No doubt forwarded to me for action. I am about to reach out for a spare manual when I notice that fastened to the memo is a compliments slip from the IT Director. A SIGNED compliments slip.

An idea occurs to me.

I use my lunch break to drive into town and visit the book shop. Computing section. Spreadsheets. Now, what have they got? '1-2-3 for Dummies'? Hmm, not bad, but I'm sure there must be something better. 'The Complete Idiot's Guide to Lotus 1-2-3.' Just the ticket. I buy a copy on the company credit card and return to base. Then I staple the IT Director's compliments slip to the front cover, put it in an internal mail envelope and address it directly back to the Personnel Director. I think he should get the message.