Tuesday 30th

I arrive at work to find the phone already ringing. It's Frank from Accounts yet again. You'd think he'd have learned by now.

"Listen Billy, I've given up on Basic. I definitely need a tool with more powerful database functions, and preferably something that will generate executables and run more quickly."
"In that case, it sounds like maybe you should use Foxpro."
"But I asked for Foxpro four weeks ago!"
"Did you? What a weird coincidence. Gives you an eerie feeling doesn't it?"
"But you made me put my data into Cardfile, then into C++, then into a spreadsheet, then Visual Basic. I've been on three training courses, and my boss wants to know why I've wasted scores of man hours of time!"
"Oh well, look on the bright side. With all the software experience you have now, you could take up a second career as an applications programmer."
"I DON'T WANT TO BE A PROGRAMMER. All I wanted was to get the regional sales figures into a database so I could prepare a full set of consolidated accounts."
"The regional sales figures? Why didn't you say so? We already have those in a centrally managed Oracle database on the server."
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!!"

I replace the handset quickly. I hate to hear a grown man cry.

Later, while I'm returning from lunch, the boss' secretary reminds me that my monthly report is late. What a drag. I contemplate for a moment whether I couldn't just submit this diary as my monthly report. I'm sure nobody reads it. On second thought I suppose it wouldn't do. After all, I wouldn't want the management to get the wrong idea. Or is it that I wouldn't want them to get the right idea? Whatever.

I mentally run through all the excuses I could use to postpone writing the report, but I can't think of any original ones. I guess I'll just have to do it. Then the phone rings. Saved by the bell.

"Billy Chippo. How can I help?"
"Hi. I have a problem with my spreadsheet. I was working on it yesterday, but when I try to load it today I get an 'out of memory' error and some of the data is missing."
"Have you tried closing down all your other applications?"
"Of course."
"Have you tried rebooting?"
"Of course."
"Have you tried getting more memory added to your machine?"
"Of course."

Of course, of course. Smart ass. I bet I can think of something he hasn't tried.

"OK, I've seen this problem often before. The spreadsheet file is on your local hard disk, right?"
"Right. I keep all my important files on my hard disk because I don't want you IT guys snooping at them on the network."

So, first he acts all superior and now he says he doesn't trust me. Time for the buzzword generator program.

"Fine. Well your problem is actually due to the disk head not reading the file table correctly first time, resulting in multiple read attempts and overwriting the main memory area. This is often caused when the thermal recalibration device fails to compensate for hysteretic drift between the servo unit and the head retraction mechanism, and if it's not corrected it can result in permanent demagnetisation of the crystal transceivers."
"Yes, of course. So..."
"So you need to act quickly. Do you have a screwdriver? You do? OK, take the back off the machine. Don't bother to switch it off first; that'll waste time. Now unscrew the casing from the hard disk and take a close look. Is there a gap between the head and the disk surface? There is? Then I was right. The head has retracted too far and it can't make contact with the disk to read from it. Now try to load the spreadsheet again, and when the head moves use the screwdriver to push it firmly against the disk surface."
"OK. It seems to be generating a lot of silvery coloured dust."
"Of course."
"Now I'm getting an error message saying 'General failure reading drive C.'"
"Yeah? What a pity. We must have been too late to save it."
"What about all my important files?"
"Maybe it would be safer in future to keep them on the network where we can snoop at them."

I hang up. Sometimes that's the only way to deal with users.