Friday 19th

Today is my birthday, and I intend to celebrate with a little surprise that I prepared yesterday evening. It's a Windows program that constantly monitors the date and time, and exactly at midday it plays "Happy Birthday to You" on the PC speaker. As an extra twist it has separate soprano, alto, tenor and bass parts, and it uses a random number generator to determine which part to play.

I arrive for work early and install it on the main file server. Then I schedule a procedure to update the WIN.INI file on all PC's as they connect to the network, so that the program is loaded while Windows starts up.

As midday approaches I synchronise my watch with the network system clock, then I grab a coffee and stand in the middle of the largest open plan area in the building. Five, four, three, two, one. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU" rings out in glorious four part harmony all over the building. Very gratifying. Maybe nearer Christmas I'll progress to a selection of carols.

I am going to be away at a computer exhibition on Monday, so I spend a couple of hours clearing away all the paperwork that's been accumulating on my desk. Then I make sure I have plenty of business cards to take with me: you never know, there might be a business card raffle. A couple of hundred should do it. I stop for a moment and read my card. "Billy Chippo, Computer Consultant." Pretty boring really. It's not going to get me many free drinks from the salesmen at the exhibition, let alone meals in expensive restaurants or evenings out in exclusive night clubs.

An idea occurs to me. In one of the stationery cabinets there are some blank business cards with just the company details, for use by those lower minions who don't have printed cards of their own. I take a pile of these and attach a dozen of them to a sheet of laser printer paper using small pieces of double-sided tape. Then I measure the positions of the cards on the paper and make up a template word processor document to overprint my name in the correct location on each card. Now to add the job titles. What would I like to be? I settle on three each of IT Manager, Business Manager, Head of Procurement and IT Director. Much better. That should be worth a few hundred pounds' worth of corporate hospitality any day.