Wednesday 17th

The boss has asked me to install a graphics package on the PC in his office so he can draw some organisation charts. While I'm there the phone rings; always keen to be helpful I pick it up. It's the Operations Manager's wife ringing from the hospital. Apparently she hit him over the head with a chair this morning and he's had to be treated for concussion. He probably won't be back until next week.

Poor chap. I wonder what brought that on? Anyway, it wouldn't do to have any gossip going around so I decide to cover up for him by sending an e-mail to everybody in the IT Department:

"John will be off sick for a few days because he's had an accident at the swimming baths and hit his head while falling into the pool. He's also asked me to say that there is no truth whatsoever in the rumours that have been circulating about him and the IT director's secretary."

There weren't any such rumours, but prevention is better than cure isn't it? Of course it is.

As soon as I've finished installing the graphics program, the boss comes in and asks me to attend some committee meeting in his place. It'll be an all day affair, and I'll need to take notes to brief him afterwards. I groan and make my way to the conference room. The meeting turns out to be deadly dull as I expected, and there's scarcely enough coffee to keep me awake until the end. The only highlight is the rather tasty lunch that's provided.

At the end of the day I head back to my office and prepare to write up my notes. I decide it would be appropriate to proportion the length of my briefing to the degree of importance of each business item. So I write a detailed description of the lunch, and top and tail it with a single sentence on the morning and afternoon's business. I hope my boss will get the message.

Just as I'm about to leave I get a phone call.

"Billy Chippo. What can I do for you?"
"Hi. I work in Facilities. We're planning the layout of the new building that's due to open later this year. I'm trying to work out how wide the corridors should be."

I do a double take. He's ringing me to ask how wide the corridors should be? This guy must be two pixels short of a bitmap.

"So how do you think I can help with that?"
"Well I thought it would be a good idea if I had a program that would simulate all the staff going about their daily routines, attending meetings, going to lunch, etc. Then I'd be able to see how many people were using each corridor in a given time. Do you know of any software that could do that?"

I sigh. What is it with simulations? Nobody seems to want to make a decision these days unless they have a computer simulator to tell them what to do. The next thing he'll be asking for is a computer fitted in all the lavatories to simulate the hydrodynamics so that people will know how many pieces of toilet paper they can use. Sounds unhygienic to me. I'd better put him off just in case.

"Sorry, we don't have anything that does that. But anytime you want to simulate the ducks taking off and landing on the pond, or the likely distribution of red vehicles in the car park, or the pattern of days on which the IT Operations Manager comes to work with a hangover, let me know. Those are no problem.
"OK. I suppose I'll just have to make my best guess on the corridor width. Thanks anyway."

I hang up feeling puzzled. After all, what does it matter how wide the corridors are, so long as there's a six lane highway between my desk and the coffee machine?